Duck Pond Redneckery

[Duck]

That would probably scare the shit out of Sarah, based on the state of mind I was in last time she saw me.

Yeah that'll backfire.

So I'll just play it for Ron and tell him it's playing in the bedroom too.

 

[Electric Chicken]

Ron will have no problem with giving Sarah the round-the-clock attention she demands, for a good few weeks probably.

I've seen Ron's previous two girlfriends.

Big fat ugly beastly women with terrible attitudes.

Sarah is 1000x hotter.

But eventually he's gonna realize she's like a velcro dog, and is barely housebroken.

She doesn't cook, doesn't keep up with her laundry, never cleans up after herself. Can barely handle her own finances, forgets what she was supposed to discuss with her doctors, needs someone to go in with her and hold her hand, etc. She's like a child in so many ways.

Ron will realize this slowly...as the succubus pulls him in.

It'll be like a noose tightening around his neck as he begins to realize it.

One day something is going to click in his head and he's finally gonna realize why I've been so forgiving, so cheerful, so willing to explain his new full time job and all the responsibilities he's taking on..


Since realizing that God lifted my life's biggest BURDEN, or the burden removed itself, however you wanna look at it, I'VE NEVER BEEN IN A BETTER MOOD


Last Tuesday night & all day Wednesday I was a train wreck. Totally devastated.

Then Thursday it was kind of like this:

Damn. Sarah is a female version of me.

 

[Duck]

And here's something else that's keeping me laughing all the time.


Last year, Ron brought his tablet over here and I soldered in a new charger port. Battery was totally dead.

When I got it fixed, I turned it on so I could watch the battery % as it charged.

I got nosy and clicked on his picture folder.

It was like 30 GB of p0rn and nothing else.

Folders and folders of it, lots of them named things like "My little (insert girls name)" or something and it was almost entirely an@l

Sarah is ABSOLUTELY NOT into that.

"Don't drop the soap little girl"

 

[AK7]

Real sorry to hear your having to deal with this.
But I am questioning your choice of best friends.

 

[Duck]

Real sorry to hear your having to deal with this.
But I am questioning your choice of best friends.

It just dawned on me that today around 5-6 o'clock those two are going to be absolutely the PERFECT potential victims for a practical joke

Ron and Sarah are coming here at 5 or 6 so she can get some of her stuff, while I'm in the shop explaining all her complicated medical stuff to Ron. (it has to be done. Some stuff is life or death important)

I texted a cop friend with the idea, still waiting for reply. Actually I emailed it & texted him to check his email.

Here's most of what I just sent him:

"The idea is to have you & another off duty cop show up in uniform, but in your personal vehicle, park by the semi trucks on the lot, by the southwest corner of my property, and wait til Sarah is in the house and Ron is in the shop with me.​

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Then you sneak up to the open window on the pole barn and listen to the conversation. ​

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I'll tell Ron I've got the speakerbar set to play this song as soon as I start it in here. I'll bullshit something about using the Verizon app to automatically Bluetooth pair her phone to the speaker bar when she comes within range or something. He's not that much of a techie type. ​

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Then I'll hit play. ​

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You guys wait for the first few lines of lyrics, then go around and start pounding on the door. (Ron is a huge Beatles fan. He won't need to hear all the lyrics, he will just have to realize what song is playing & get the significance.) ​

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I'll turn the music down, but keep it playing, then open the door. You loudly say "we got a call about a double murder at this address" and I'll look at my phone and say "this stupid robo-call app wasn't supposed to go off til 8 o'clock". ​

Then you say "OK we can come back later, you said 8 o'clock?" while you both look at your wrists, (even if you're not wearing a watch). ​

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Meanwhile one of you keeps your torso aimed at me and the other guy on Ron so you get both of us in your body cam videos. This is gonna go viral on YouTube. ​

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At that point Ron should have figured out it's a prank, but if not, we can improv until he does. I'll be like "yeah come back at 8, I'll need time to burn my clothes, stage the bodies in a horrific pose, and hopefully get a few miles down the road" or something. You just act like "OK we can just go terrorize some black people or something for a while. We'll come back around 8-ish" ​

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(I purposely did not tell him that copyrighted music would get it muted. I just want the video for myself to show people & laugh at)

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Then, after we get done laughing in there, you guys go to the front door of the house and bang on the door hard enough for it to be heard upstairs, while me and Ron wait outside the back door. My dad'll be in on it and he's gonna play dumb like he has no idea what's going on. He'll yell up the stairs to Sarah telling him the cops are here. When Sarah gets to the bottom of the stairs, one of you says there's a call about two adult males in a fist fight at this address, and the other guy goes around to the back door and keeps his body cam aimed at the door for when Sarah comes out, then the 4 of us all just start laughing. ​

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We can't scare her too much because it could cause a seizure. ​

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Then later I'll meet you somewhere with a USB drive to get the body cam videos so I can put them together into a single video. "​

 

[Duck]

Sarah's phone is in my name and I owe $779.09 on it and I told her last week I want either the phone back or $779.

If for some reason she's a bitch and doesn't give me either, I'll tell her I'm keeping her minibike. She will most likely say keep it. She might even give me $779 AND the minibike. But as of right now, her minibike is hers. She paid for it.

If I end up with her minibike, I'm going to make it as fast as mine & put street tires on it so there will be two of them to cruise around on with my dad or when I have a friend over. We can get to Sollit Tap on back roads. Really good food there. It's 12 miles away.

I already have a voltage regulator, brake lever with switch, & tail light to put on it, but I was going to leave the jackshaft on it til she gets more experience.

So I'll have to order a rear sprocket, two tires, replacement headlight (she broke hers in a crash) and replace the Chinese clutch with a good one.

Hers has front and rear suspension, but mine is a hard tail.

It's got really aggressive mud tires on it but once I make it fast, it'll be useless off-road, so I'll put street tires on it like mine.

They'll both run about 45 mph with governor delete.

 

[Duck]

Ron canceled the 2nd time. Says he's sick. I think he's just scared.


But whatever.

I just asked Sarah about the minibike.

 

[Duck]

As if things could not get any worse, on my way home from work some woman T-boned me and fucked up my ride.
I don't think it is a write-off, but you never know with insurance companies these days.

Hopefully it's not Allstate or State Farm.

I've been in the tornado affected area every day since the tornado. Except for the Wednesday before last when I had issues with the 47 year old child.

Anyway the tornado destroyed maybe 50-100 houses, but the 6" hail (I've been calling them ice bombs because I see the damage every day.) hit all of Kankakee.

Every roof in Kankakee and a lot in Bradley are going to be replaced because although they look OK from the street, the plywood is busted up.

Every car that was parked outdoors in Kankakee was destroyed. Shattered glass, totally trashed bodywork.

Everyone I've talked to says they've been having problems with Allstate and State Farm for both home and auto insurance.

Today at lunch I was talking to a roofer from Florida and he told me one a claims adjuster tried to say that the holes all over a house roof was caused by people walking on it.

He told me to look up "Senator Hawley vs Allstate".

When I got home I found this, which is ten months old. But it's exactly what Allstate & State Farm are still doing. However most of the things I've heard locally is about State Farm.

 

[Electric Chicken]

Hopefully it's not Allstate or State Farm.

I've been in the tornado affected area every day since the tornado. Except for the Wednesday before last when I had issues with the 47 year old child.

Anyway the tornado destroyed maybe 50-100 houses, but the 6" hail (I've been calling them ice bombs because I see the damage every day.) hit all of Kankakee.

Every roof in Kankakee and a lot in Bradley are going to be replaced because although they look OK from the street, the plywood is busted up.

Every car that was parked outdoors in Kankakee was destroyed. Shattered glass, totally trashed bodywork.

Everyone I've talked to says they've been having problems with Allstate and State Farm for both home and auto insurance.

Today at lunch I was talking to a roofer from Florida and he told me one a claims adjuster tried to say that the holes all over a house roof was caused by people walking on it.

He told me to look up "Senator Hawley vs Allstate".

When I got home I found this, which is ten months old. But it's exactly what Allstate & State Farm are still doing. However most of the things I've heard locally is about State Farm.

Hawley is a beast. I hope his vigor never dies.

 

[Electric Chicken]

Nick Schroeder needs protection.

 

[Rigjockey]

Hopefully it's not Allstate or State Farm.

Nope! I have been burned by State Farm before. I signed up with them and wrote down any claims or violations that I had in the past and even provided a drivers abstract.

Next thing I know I get a call telling me I never told them about any claims.

I am like, Whaat? I did and I gave you an abstract.
I am like do I get the money back that I paid you? Pretty sure I paid two months in advance.
She gets all bitchy and says no, we are keeping that as a penalty and you are lucky, we are not filing insurance fraud against you.
I am like what the fuck? I gave you all the information you get to just say I didn't and take $300.00 from me and I have zero recourse?

That's ok! Like the old saying goes, people that like your service may tell one or two friends.
People that didn't like your service will tell everyone they talk to.
As we are doing here on the forum right now!

 

[AK7]

How you doing @Duck ??

 

[Duck]

How you doing @Duck ??

What's the best way to answer that question? Hmm..



OK here's what I'm working on at the moment. I just sanded it between coats of polyurethane, so it looks like shit at the moment, but... It's gonna be by revenge prank on Sarah.




It's the bottom of a mountain dew can, cut out in a perfect circle and crushed flat. It's trapped between two mahogany donuts that were clamped and glued together.

When you hold it in your hands and use a thumb to push down on the aluminum, it snaps back and forth, making a pretty loud popping sound.

It's instantly addictive like a fidget toy, but it almost ANNOYS WOMEN. They hate it.

So on the very last trip up there hauling her shit up to Ron's place, I'm going to give it to him.

 

[Duck]

The two donuts are glued up with their grain directions perpendicular so hopefully it'll be strong enough to survive Sarah throwing it across the room

 

[Duck]

This was the prototype. I made it about a year ago.



That's how I already know it's gonna piss off Sarah.

 

[Rigjockey]

You're hauling her shit to Ron? I would be like all your shit is outside, better come and get it before it rains!

 

[Duck]

You're hauling her shit to Ron? I would be like all your shit is outside, better come and get it before it rains!

He just has a Toyota Camry.

And like any other woman, she has enough clothes to squat the rear axle of a dually.

Ron kept canceling plans to bring her out here to get her stuff, or to even come by himself. He's scared of me. Possibly because he knows I'm not only bigger than him, I'm also smarter. He's probably thinking I'm setting him up for a trap or something. I don't know..

But if I can't even get them to come pick up what can fit in a Toyota Camry, I'll end up stuck with all her stuff. I can probably get it all in one trip if I use the dually and my dad's cargo trailer.

But once that shit is gone, after the truck & trailer are empty and Ron's little garage is packed, I'm going to tell them both to go to hell.

16 years wasted on this chick who I didn't even know.. Had I known she had the morals of an alley cat 16 years ago, I wouldn't currently be 47 years old and childless.

Now I gotta find a younger chick to pop out a kid for me. That's probably not gonna happen because I DON'T WANT a younger chick. I want one my age.



I thought about revenge. But once I ruled out physical harm, vandalism, screwing with her medical stuff, etc which is beneath me, there really ain't very many options so if I do anything it'll be some harmless prank type of thing.

Like giving Ron an addictive noise making toy that'll drive Sarah nuts

 

[Hillbilly Canuck]

You're hauling her shit to Ron? I would be like all your shit is outside, better come and get it before it rains!

I second this plan.

Better yet unload the truck and trailer on his lawn. They'll get to it then. You're being a lot nicer than I would be in that situation. Maybe too nice for your own good

 

[Duck]

That's all her shit in the trailer.



I was gonna run it up there after work today but I think he's just too chicken shit to face me.

 

[Electric Chicken]

Y'all Ilinoisers trade women so weird. You make it sound like selling an Xbox.