Thanks, not had surgery for the disks. Was given a 50/50 chance of being better or worse. Odds not good enough. I know too many people who was worse with one or 2 disks. Pain management is the next step. I had appointment, but cancelled it. I did not like the questions they asked on the survey prior to going. I felt like some shrink was trying to get inside my head. A lot of questions about death. I have been exposed to death a lot in my life. Was a lot of questions about hurting people, hurting self, suicide etc. My regular doc told me that the spinal shots are my last chance of getting thru this when my meds no longer work. I don't like anyone digging in my past. I have survived my whole life by not trusting people. The questions on the survey just flat out made me mad. I have a lot of guilt of what has happened in my past. I pulled the feeding tube on my last two relatives. My dad I could deal with. He was older. My sister was 10 years younger than me and healthy as a horse. I never expected to outlive her. Let alone end her life. The odds are way against me. I have done a lot of stupid stuff. I deployed twice. If anyone should have outlived me it should have been her a long time after my time.
Carrying the burden of guilt can wear a person out and break their spirit.
Trying to learn to deal with and accept the loss and the pain endured is not simple. It takes time as well as understanding.
Forgive yourself first and realize that we aren't to judge what a lifetime is. That is God's department. We, as humans, don't want to lose our loved ones and have to carry on without them. We can feel guilty about being able to live and enjoy life. Happiness takes a back seat and life becomes mundane and even empty feeling.
I too have experienced loss that was so tragic and deep that I slipped into a depression that overwhelmed my life as well as my children
My husband died 5 years ago at the young age of 38. Father of 2 of my children (12 and 14 now) He was shot in Texas in an altercation that will never be clear to me or his family...
I've lost my other two best friends after his untimely death. Then my mother suffered from the 5 brain stem strokes (which, thankfully, she has partially rehabilitated). Hospice has been called in for my father just recently.
I've experienced so much tragedy and loss that it's hard for me to wrap my brain around it, so I just shut down.
I don't have any answers. I only have a few words of encouragement. it's hard to find the words actually and for me to have to confront my own personal emotions about this subject.
I've tried to out run the pain just to find that I was smothered in grief.
There are groups to help with the loss and grievance. I've thought of seeking help but chose to carry the torch. Maybe I should reach out for some help just to bring my spirit's up....
Sorry that I made this all about me....I'm just lost in emotion.
