Joke of the Day

389 Hood

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Joke of the day 😉 THE ITALIAN MAN OF THE HOUSE


Tony had just finished reading a new book entitled, You Can Be The Man of Your House.
He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, 'From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want. Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands.
Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?'
His Sicilian wife Gina replied, 'The friken' funeral director would be my first guess.’ 😉
 

389 Hood

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A gas station in Mississippi was trying to increase its sales, so the owner put up a sign saying, "Free Sex with Fill-Up". Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. The redneck then guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were close. The number was 7. Sorry, no sex this time."

A week later, the same redneck, along with a buddy, Bubba, pulled in for a fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. The redneck guessed 2 this time. Again the proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time."

As they were driving away, the redneck said to his buddy, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex. Bubba replied, "No it ain't, Billy Ray. It ain't rigged ---- my wife won twice last week."
 

389 Hood

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REDNECK VACATION

Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther,

"Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation.

Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice about where to go.

Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii . I went to Hawaii and Earlene got pregnant.

Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas and Earlene got pregnant again.

Last year you suggested Tahiti and danged if Earlene didn't get pregnant again."

Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"

Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Earlene with me."
 

389 Hood

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A wife decides to take her husband, Dave, to a strip club for his birthday.

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

"Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he would like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

"She's in the Ladies Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"

Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.

The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave.”
 

389 Hood

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It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.

"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?" "Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you." He said, "**** him, give him a dollar." The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."
 

389 Hood

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Several men are in the locker room of Miamiview Golf Club. A cell phone on a

bench rings and Jim engages the hands free speaker function and begins to

talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

JIM: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

JIM: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's

only $10,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

JIM: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new

2022 models. I saw one I really liked."

JIM: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$150,000"

JIM: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing...the house I wanted last year

is back on the market. They're asking $1,050,000"

JIM: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $1,000,000. They

will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand if it's

really a pretty good price."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"

JIM: "Bye! I love you, too."

Jim hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him

in astonishment, mouths agape.

Jim turns and asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
 

Rigjockey

In Gord we trust!
Several men are in the locker room of Miamiview Golf Club. A cell phone on a

bench rings and Jim engages the hands free speaker function and begins to

talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

JIM: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

JIM: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's

only $10,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

JIM: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new

2022 models. I saw one I really liked."

JIM: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$150,000"

JIM: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing...the house I wanted last year

is back on the market. They're asking $1,050,000"

JIM: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $1,000,000. They

will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand if it's

really a pretty good price."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"

JIM: "Bye! I love you, too."

Jim hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him

in astonishment, mouths agape.

Jim turns and asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
You get an extra :rolllaugh: for that one. That was pretty good! :thumbsup:
 

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