Joke of the Day

389 Hood

Well-Known Member
Premium
A Good Heartwarming Story

Every morning, the CEO of a large bank in Manhattan walks to the corner for a shoe shine. He sits in an armchair, examines the Wall Street Journal and the shoe shiner buffs his shoes to a mirror shine.

One morning the shoe shiner asks the CEO: "What do you think about the situation in the stock market?" The man answered arrogantly, "Why are you so interested in that topic?" The shoe guy replies, "I have millions in your bank," he says, "and I'm considering investing some of the money in the capital market." "What’s your name? " asked the executive. John H. Smith was the reply.

The CEO arrives at the bank and asks the Manager of the Customer Department; Do we have a client named John H. Smith? "Certainly, answers the Customer Service Manager, "he is a high net worth customer with 12.6 million dollars in his account."

The executive comes out, approaches the shoe shiner, and says, "Mr. Smith, I would like to invite you next Monday to be the guest of honor at our board meeting and tell us the story of your life. I am sure we could learn something from your life's experience."

At the board meeting, the CEO introduces him to the board members. "We all know Mr. Smith, from the corner shoe shine stand, but Mr. Smith is also an esteemed customer. I invited him here to tell us the story of his life. I am sure we can learn from him." Mr Smith began his story.

"I came to this country fifty years ago as a young immigrant from Europe with an unpronounceable name. I got off the ship without a penny. The first thing I did was change my name to Smith. I was hungry and exhausted. I started wandering around looking for a job but to no avail. Fortunately, I found a coin on the sidewalk. I bought an apple. I had two options, eat the apple and quench my hunger or start a business. I sold the apple for 25 cents and bought two apples with the money. I also sold them and continued in business.

When I started accumulating a few dollars, I was able to buy a set of used brushes and shoe polish and started polishing shoes. I didn't spend a penny on entertainment or clothing, I just bought bread and some cheese to survive. I saved penny by penny and after a while, I bought a new set of shoe brushes and polishes in different shades and expanded my clientele. I lived like a monk and saved penny by penny. After a while, I was able to buy an armchair so my clients could sit comfortably while I shined their shoes, and that brought me more clients.

I did not spend a penny on the joys of life. I kept saving every cent. A few years ago, when the previous shoe shiner on the corner decided to retire, I had already saved enough money to buy his shoeshine location at this great place.
Finally, 6 months ago, my sister, who was a hooker in Chicago, passed away and left me 12.6 million dollars."
 

389 Hood

Well-Known Member
Premium
Excerpted from an article which appeared in The Dublin Times about a bank robbery on March 2.

Once inside the bank shortly after midnight, their efforts at disabling the security system got underway immediately. The robbers, who expected to find one or two large safes filled with cash & valuables, were surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes
throughout the bank.

The robbers cracked the first safe's combination, and inside they found only a small bowl of vanilla pudding.

As recorded on the bank's audio tape system, one robber said, 'At least we'll have a bit to eat.'

The robbers opened up a second safe, and it also contained nothing but vanilla pudding. The process continued until all safes were opened.

They did not find one pound sterling, a diamond, or an ounce of gold. Instead, all the safes contained covered bowls of pudding.


Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with
nothing more than a queasy, uncomfortably full stomach. The
newspaper headline read:




'IRELAND'S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING'....
 

389 Hood

Well-Known Member
Premium
A hillbilly farmer who wanted to get a divorce paid a visit to a lawyer. The lawyer said, 'How can I help you?' The farmer said, 'I want to get one of them dayvorces.'

The lawyer said, 'Do you have any grounds?' The farmer said, 'Yes, I got 40 acres' The lawyer said, 'No, No, you don't understand, Do you have a suit?

The farmer said, 'Yes, I got a suit, I wears it to church on Sundays.' The lawyer said, 'No, no, I mean, do you have a case?' The farmer said, 'No, I ain't got a Case, but I got a John Deere.

The lawyer said, 'No, I mean, do you have a grudge?' The farmer said,'Yes, I got a grudge, that's where I parks the John Deere'

The lawyer said, 'Does your wife beat you up or something?' The farmer said, 'No, we both get up at 4:30.'

By now the lawyer is getting frustrated but tries one last question ..The lawyer said, 'Is your wife a nagger?' The farmer said, 'No, she's a little white gal, but our last child was a nagger and that's why I wants a dayvorce.'
 

Rigjockey

In Gord we trust!
Two truck drivers die and are waiting in line at St. Peters gate.
At the the front of the line are two priests.

St. Peters motions for the truck drivers to come to the front of the line. St. Peter askes the two priests to step aside and allow the through.
The two Priests say to St.Peter, we have done the work of the Lord our entire lives, how can you let these truck drivers into heaven before us?
St.Peter says, these truck drivers have put the fear of God into more people in one day than you have your entire lives.
 

Rigjockey

In Gord we trust!
A Newfie (Newfoundlander) Gets hired on to paint the lines on the road.
The first day the Newfie paints a mile of line on the road and the boss is pretty impressed!

The second day the Newfie paints only a half mile of line on the road.
The boss is not as impressed but is understanding thinking he had a bad day or something.

The third day the Newfie paints only a quarter mile of line on the road.
So the boss confronts him and askes, Hey, what in the hell is going on with you? The first day you painted a mile, the second day a half mile and the third day only a quarter mile?

The Newfie says, well, the paint can kept gettin' further away the more I painted.
 

389 Hood

Well-Known Member
Premium
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble
"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."
She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along.
 

389 Hood

Well-Known Member
Premium
A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'

Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'

Harry: '9.'

Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'

Harry: '36.'

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade.'

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions.'

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'

Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: 'Pockets.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'

Harry: 'Pants.'

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?'

Harry: 'Coconut.'

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied,'Bubble gum.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'

Harry: 'Shake hands.'

The principal was trembling..

Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'

Harry: 'Fire truck.'

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, 'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong.....'
 

389 Hood

Well-Known Member
Premium
"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the girl you were with?"
"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Nina Capelli?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
"Was it Cathy Piriano?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"
"Please, Father! I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
"Four months vacation and five good leads..."
 

CMT

Well-Known Member
Premium
A Newfie (Newfoundlander) Gets hired on to paint the lines on the road.
The first day the Newfie paints a mile of line on the road and the boss is pretty impressed!

The second day the Newfie paints only a half mile of line on the road.
The boss is not as impressed but is understanding thinking he had a bad day or something.

The third day the Newfie paints only a quarter mile of line on the road.
So the boss confronts him and askes, Hey, what in the hell is going on with you? The first day you painted a mile, the second day a half mile and the third day only a quarter mile?

The Newfie says, well, the paint can kept gettin' further away the more I painted.

Lmao! This is a total Polack joke!! 🤣 Don't get butt hurt anyone..I'm a friggin Polack, so don't start spouting off your wah wah Sally remarks that I just offended someone.. 😅🤣👍
 

Uncle Birchy

Well-Known Member
Not really a joke but I aint allowed to OP threads anymore so I'm posting it here as it seems most appropriate place..

Lost Dog returns home and rings doorbell.

"A South Carolina couple worried about their lost dog were surprised when their doorbell rang in the middle of the night. They were even more shocked when it turned out that their beloved pet had not only returned home but had also figured out how to use the electronic device."

 

Duck

Sarcastic remark goes here
Not really a joke but I aint allowed to OP threads anymore so I'm posting it here as it seems most appropriate place..

Lost Dog returns home and rings doorbell.

"A South Carolina couple worried about their lost dog were surprised when their doorbell rang in the middle of the night. They were even more shocked when it turned out that their beloved pet had not only returned home but had also figured out how to use the electronic device."

They couldn't figure out how the dog learned to push the doorbell because nobody who lives there ever has to use it.

Dogs aren't smart enough to learn something like that on their own unless they see people do it all the time, like if the dog is always on the porch and they get daily visitors.

So my guess is the dog smelled humans on the doorbell button. Dogs like things that smell like humans. Especially THEIR humans. It's why my buddy's dog always chews up his socks and shoes when he's not home, but ignores them when he is home.

If the doorbell smells like humans, it's because someone recently touched the doorbell after scratching his nuts, ass crack or armpits.

If a dog ever rings your doorbell, wash it with disinfectant. 🤣
 

Uncle Birchy

Well-Known Member
They couldn't figure out how the dog learned to push the doorbell because nobody who lives there ever has to use it.

Dogs aren't smart enough to learn something like that on their own unless they see people do it all the time, like if the dog is always on the porch and they get daily visitors.

So my guess is the dog smelled humans on the doorbell button. Dogs like things that smell like humans. Especially THEIR humans. It's why my buddy's dog always chews up his socks and shoes when he's not home, but ignores them when he is home.

If the doorbell smells like humans, it's because someone recently touched the doorbell after scratching his nuts, ass crack or armpits.

If a dog ever rings your doorbell, wash it with disinfectant. 🤣
Just goes to show that maybe Dogs are much "Smarter" than we give them credit for.

Besides if a Human Being had never seen a doorbell or somebody using one as a child they would not know what a doorbell is either
 

Electric Chicken

Well-Known Member
Premium
They couldn't figure out how the dog learned to push the doorbell because nobody who lives there ever has to use it.

Dogs aren't smart enough to learn something like that on their own unless they see people do it all the time, like if the dog is always on the porch and they get daily visitors.

So my guess is the dog smelled humans on the doorbell button. Dogs like things that smell like humans. Especially THEIR humans. It's why my buddy's dog always chews up his socks and shoes when he's not home, but ignores them when he is home.

If the doorbell smells like humans, it's because someone recently touched the doorbell after scratching his nuts, ass crack or armpits.

If a dog ever rings your doorbell, wash it with disinfectant. 🤣
FedEx doesn't even know how to ring doorbells. Bet that's why they have a dog on the side of their trucks.

DeliveryOptions.jpg
 
Last edited:

389 Hood

Well-Known Member
Premium
FedEx doesn't even know how to ring doorbells.
You are correct. Just t like the rest of them. Drop it, take a picture and run.

When I questioned the corporate offices of all of them, ie: UPS, FedEx, Amazon, I was told there were too many complaints from day sleepers about getting awakened. Somehow, being a night worker, I can see that.
 

Duck

Sarcastic remark goes here
You are correct. Just t like the rest of them. Drop it, take a picture and run.

When I questioned the corporate offices of all of them, ie: UPS, FedEx, Amazon, I was told there were too many complaints from day sleepers about getting awakened. Somehow, being a night worker, I can see that.
I'd bet the real reason is they are pushed to make so many deliveries per shift, and they don't have time to interact with people.

Lonely people with no friends or family to talk to will often try to start conversations with them.

"Our drivers have to be anti-social in order to keep up with the impossible workload we put on them" isn't as good for PR as "our drivers are all super nice people who don't want to disturb your nap".
 

Users who are viewing this thread

Top