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Impure Thoughts #18 (Part 1): I Suck at April Fools Jokes.

This year I had the greatest prank pulled on me yet for April 1. Here in America, (the only civilized land on Earth) that’s a day of great jokes, humiliating your friends, exploiting their gullibility, and enjoying much laughter at their expense.

So, after my crushing defeat of being pranked on this forum, I decided to pass this good service on to my wife. The problem is…we’ve been married like a THOUSAND years and she didn’t buy it and once again…jokes on me.

It’s become obvious that I simply suck at April fools jokes.

It started innocently enough, my wife trying to spring clean our house (which with two kids is sort of a joke on it’s own) and me needing the carpet shampoo machine – someday:

Xbox. Priorities!

I thought this one was a ringer. Dead in the water she was! I had her! I drive a pretty high mileage truck so such an idea is not out of bounds! However, after a thousand years of immaturity my wife is automatically suspicious:


Almonds. Again...priorities! They help curb hunger, give energy, are part of my almost now year long diet plan which has helped me lose almost 40 pounds, and may sustain me through this hard time of losing all my belongings. Most Grand Theft Auto V save data!

Oh the travesty!

Immediately her suspicions are aroused.


Nothing else mind you, just her suspicions. We have two kids and are very tired parents so basically the only thing we can arouse these days are suspicions. And anger. Don't worry'll get there too!

Anyway, she wanted proof, and who could blame her? She asked for a picture of my truck burning. I always swore that I'd call the office as soon as the fire was out, so there'd probably be a lot of pictures in the meantime...because you have to save your battery for taking and sending pictures to your friends, and insurance isn't going to save it pffff....

The problem was that I hadn't really thought this through and had to do a quick Google search. Heh...Google just capitalized itself in Firefox...ego much?


I figure...that should work. She'll understand that I barely escaped with my life! - and wallet and phone and almonds! That picture looks like it came from a stressed out guy hiding in a pickup truck far away from danger! Doesn't it?


For the record I was never asked any of the following questions and never received any of these statements.

Glad you're safe dear! Nope.

Did you inhale any noxious fumes to further contaminate your already twisted thought process, dear? Nope.

Are you being treated for smoke inhalation and barbecued flesh, dear? Nope.

Is your hair all burned so that you look like an 80's Pop star? Nope.

Do you look like Eric Stolz in The Mask now? Nope.
Cher at any time since 1980...she co starred you know...? Nope.

I get this.
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