Impure Thoughts #10: Three People Who Suck at Driving And Why

Impure Thoughts #10: Three People Who Suck at Driving And Why

#1) The person who pulls out in front of you on a two-lane road.

Invariably, this happens on just about every two lane road, and even sometimes in multilane roads in commercial areas. Have to get to Wal-Mart from Family Dollar don’t ya know!

Why can’t this person drive?

Well, for all the obvious reasons. He or she is a self-absorbed, selfish, impatient twit. But we’re used to that aren’t we these days? The complete lack of civility that has become the norm? We’re all used to that by now. It’s worse in big cities and urban areas than anywhere else with how people treat each other, but this two lane road thing can happen basically anywhere even in rural areas. The person that just pulled out in front of you doesn’t give a shit if you live or die, crash in the ditch, or lose your load trying to slow down. But that’s not the problem.

See, if they were to pull out in front of me, and just haul ass in a straight line, and never be seen again I’d have nothing to say. But it simply never happens that way.

The real reason this person can’t drive is because they always turn a quarter mile later.

#2) People who whine about tailgating

“Tailgate me and I’ll flick a booger on your windshield”

“Hit me I need the money.”

“If you like my ass this much then pull my hair!”

I think that last one might be a suppressed memory from an ex-girlfriend. I’m not sure. Either way someone tailgating me usually isn’t my biggest concern. I figure it this way: if I hit the brakes real hard, that person is going to be the one to die. Oh, I don’t really like it much. Especially when that person tailgates me so close that he has to have one headlight right in my mirror the whole time as if he’s looking around me. If you’re that anxious to see what’s in front then go there.

I saw a thing on facebook the other day that you could become a “fan” of..whatever that means. It said “If you tailgate me, I’ll slow down intentionally just to **** you off.” It had like a gazillion fans too.

Right now, I’ve been on the east coast far too long (that’s anything longer than 15 minutes), and in the past two days I’ve seen countless people in various travel lanes driving so slowly as to present a hazard for the people stacking up behind them necessitating lane changes, and shifting traffic.

If you drive so slow people are forced to sit three inches off your bumper until they can get around you, YOU are the problem. Of course, my latest safety video would say that being behind someone who is doing this is YOUR fault, and not the fact that this person is running god knows how slowly which is what started you being behind them.

If you drive too slowly, you are going to constantly have people behind you. Once I ran up on a guy as a truck was passing me and had to brake pretty hard to not hit him. I couldn’t get left to go around until Hammer Down Harvey and his screaming in the CB buddies got around me. As I went around Mr. Too Tall For My Toyota Echo And am Crammed in it Like Magilla Gorilla, he gave me the finger as big as you please. He was doing 47 miles an hour on the interstate. If I deserve your long, gangly hippie-finger, by all means, shoot ‘er out there. But to sit there in a 70 mile an hour zone and act like everyone else is the problem - well that will remain a mystery to me forever.

The reason people who whine about tailgating as a constant problem can’t drive is because it seems to me they are usually driving to damn slow. Do the speed limit at least. Please.

#3) Politicos with too many bumper stickers.

“Love Your Mother”

“Celebrate Diversity”

“Kerry Edwards”

“Obama 08”

“Buck Fush”

“Abortion is Murder”

“Real Men Love Jesus”

“Get er Done!”

“GOD bought Benny Hinn his jet and I’m okay with that!”

I made that last one up just to **** off bible thumpers.

I saw a car today that there was not one inch of visible original paint on the entire rear end, with stickers beginning to creep around both sides toward the front. I find that the more political a person is, the more distracted they are while ranting either with or against Sean Hannity, or Rush or whomever. I’ve had guys with deer hunting stickers all over pickups drive like morons near me too, but the ratio of lefties to gun-toters who drive like crap has to be about 736:1. I first noticed this when John Kerry lost the election because he was just way too ugly to be president and looks like a horse. Even after the botox he denied he still looked like a horse on botox. John Kerry is a horse face. It was about three years after and I was still seeing these stickers. I guess these people were still SO ANGRY that Bush “stole” the first election, then got re-elected that they figured they’d drive like total assholes. These types of people are ones you meet in conversation from time to time who (like their counterparts on the right) make a political issue of almost everything.

“What do you mean I can’t have unwashed dreadlocks, ripped jeans, flip-flops and a staggering amount of badly done piercings in a food handling environment?! This is such bullshit! It’s all because those rich republicans run the corporations! I don’t understand why I even have to have like, a job anyway.”

Perhaps if the people whose cars are held together almost exclusively with bumper stickers were to say – I don’t know – save some of that money they spent on that large collection of bullshit opinions, they could invest it, increase its size, and become rich repub…wait that’s going a bit far – they wouldn’t have to worry about so much that really isn’t in their control aside from the occasional vote.

And conversely maybe the righties wouldn’t look to see how much those *******ed un-American God hating, Constitution changing, tax raising, gun grabbing socialist liberals are screwing up America in everything and would look for their turn signal they could drive better.

Enough politics already, drive.

Why can’t outspoken politicos drive? Like politicians themselves, they have their heads in their asses.